I'm close to mentioning a reality, but where does it lead and do you reciprocate.
Can't believe I'm writing this. This is just an exercise in getting my thoughts out - who knows who will read this but my brain won't turn off until this is complete and I know.
I see you and ask myself if you're a big distraction? You probably don't feel the same, in fact you can't feel as conflicted about it all as I do. What happens if I act out on any of my thoughts for you? Who will I hurt - does it even matter if I'm not the one who's happy, and who's tired of going through motions. I should then ask myself, if you would love me as much or even more? Is that a possibility. I don't know, I can't take a leap of faith, what outcome will make me happier. There's just no long term in either, I guess it's all temporary fun.
Perhaps putting this in perspective, and developing a plan to quell my unsatisfied thirst for something new, is something I'll have to learn but I ask myself, are you a mistake or are you a real possibility? I mean, even if you did like me half as much or thought about me half as much as I've thought about you in the past 7 days I would still question what you wanted to gain or what you would want out of this.
My heart beats at the thought of you, it beats at the thought of making huge mistake that could destroy several relationships with people who I care deeply about. Right now, everything is just, "what if?".
Part of me wishes I could drown out this part of myself until I was able to forget about you, and I don't know what it is it but something within me is burning for you -- it's on many levels, it's all that which could be, the new experiences, the chance to build something new.
And just to think, it's already heartbreaking to think that you most likely do not feel any of this, that you're not feeling any pain, that your heart isn't breaking in two and it's just me internalizing all of this with no mirror to show me the reality.
i have to find out, if these signs are true, if you are really feeling this way for me. Our next shared moment, I intend on discovering my path.